M A S S

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BLUE

there is something dangerous about the narrative that a life is only measured by what’s surrounding it if you’re living in a chapter you don’t know how to leave you will something can seem good for you until it starts to hurt you’re allowed to change your mind if it doesn’t work if you’re inside a container you don’t know how to break you will the sky was blue in Massachusetts the sky was grey inside my head the sky was blue in Massachusetts the sky was grey inside my head and it told the truth there’s a lot of talk about staying through the tests you can miss the road behind and be glad you left if you don’t yet have the language for what you want to say you will the sky was blue in Massachusetts the sky was grey inside my head the sky was blue in Massachusetts the sky was grey inside my head and it told the truth if you don’t yet have the language for what you want to say if you’re inside a container you don’t know how to break if you’re living in a chapter you don’t know how to leave you will

FAIL

just a little fall down the rabbit hole I like who you are how you look at shows every now and then I’m in the present tense then I catch myself ‘cause it’s the one you left and we fail a little at a time we fail who we love and we fail oh, what’s between the lines? it’s never enough but can you hear me now? (I heard you) but can you hear me now? (I heard you) the way you looked at me listened when I spoke I hope I did the same I hope that you felt known I can see your eyes in the Cambridge sun I will miss your smile I’m not the only one and we fail a little at a time we fail who we love and we fail oh, what’s between the lines? it’s never enough but can you see me now? (I saw you) but can you see me now? (I saw you) and we fail a little at a time we fail who we love and we fail oh, what’s between the lines? this living is tough and we fail a little at a time we fail who we love and we fail oh, what’s between the lines? it’s never enough but can you hear me now? (I heard you) but can you see me now? (I saw you) but can you hear me now? (I knew you) but can you see me now? (I loved you)

HIGH SUN

saw my back against the wall saw him spitting in my face saw the outcome of it all saw everyone maintain their place there’s no speaking up when everybody wants the status to be quo there’s no speaking up when there’s just one of you trust me, I know maybe the sun went high and they blamed me it’s easier than changing it’s easier than looking at themselves and learning maybe the sun went high and it framed me it’s easy to mistake me it’s easier than looking at themselves and learning saw the burning in my cheeks saw her laughing at my shame saw the hours turn to weeks saw everybody look away there’s no speaking up when everybody wants the status to be quo there’s no speaking up when there’s just one of you trust me, I know maybe the sun went high and they blamed me it’s easier than changing it’s easier than looking at themselves and learning maybe the sun went high and it framed me it’s easy to mistake me it’s easier than looking at themselves and learning there’s no speaking up when punching down is normal, baby walk away there’s no speaking up when dark is favored over daylight, hey- maybe the sun went high and they blamed me it’s easier than changing it’s easier than looking at themselves and learning maybe the sun went high and it framed me it’s easy to mistake me it’s easier than looking at themselves and learning

VAMPIRE

fresh out of anything left for you

I don’t have room for a guest, poor you
here comes the absence
with all the big announcements

time was, I’d make up a bed for you
feathers and glitter, a nest pour vous
I live with the absence
I could live without announcements

keep the pulse close
you rely on me
if the blood flows
you rely on me
keep the pulse close
you rely on me
if the blood flows
you rely on me

all of the people I knew lived here
each got a taste of my worst lived fears
I won’t repeat it
it took all my life to beat it

keep the pulse close
you rely on me
if the blood flows
you rely on me
keep the pulse close
you rely on me
if the blood flows
you rely on me

all the odds said I’d keep depleting, yeah
all the odds said I’d be unlikely to change myself
all the odds said I’d hold on ‘til I got dragged, well
all the odds aren’t the only crystal ball, are they?

keep the pulse close
you rely on me
if the blood flows
you rely on me
keep the pulse close
you rely on me
if the blood flows
you rely on me

(you rely on me
if it’s my fault
you can put it all on me
every little thing
all on me
if it’s my fault)

all of the people I knew lived here
all of the people I knew lived here

STILL LIFE

if it’s not every day
what’s the problem?
it’s the things that you say
making waves here
 
it’s how people relate
not a bottom
but the things that you say
aren’t okay here
 
as the wheels fall off that car you drive
as you’re slowly crashing down
you are wrong but you are still alive   
on the ground, on the ground, on the ground
 
it’s the fault of the world
that I’m back here
it’s injustice on high
not a problem
 
I’m the king of my kind
it’s my calling
don’t you look in my eyes
you never saw them
 
as the wheels fall off that motorbike
as you’re slowly crashing down
you are wrong but you are still alive   
on the ground, on the ground
as the highway fills with passers-by
you are slowly waking up
you are wrong but you are still alive
now get up, now get up, now get up
 
as the wheels fall off the car you drive
as you’re slowly crashing down
you are wrong but you are still alive   
on the ground, on the ground
as the highway fills with passers-by
you are slowly waking up
you are wrong but you are still alive
now get up, now get up, now get up
now get up
now get up 

now get up

WE WERE HERE

I lost some time then circled back again only to find things hadn’t changed a bit   the ancient trees remember more than I I let them be I only answer to the sky   I lived in constant fear I was unlovable, yeah I know when we were here it was hard for me it was hard for me   I lost some time the details fall away am I defined by a former time and place?   the one-way streets that fuck with everyone still know my feet it’s an honest kind of love   I lived in constant fear I was unlovable, yeah I know when we were here it was hard for me it was hard for me   and the mountains call my name (I hear them) and the alleys call my name (I hear them) and the history calls my name (I hear them) and I’ll never be the—   I lived in constant fear I was unlovable, yeah I know when we were here it was hard for me it was hard for me it was hard for me it was hard for me   I lost some time I see it as a grace it was not mine to manage or to change

DISTORTION

I used to say that I was glad it happened I used to say that I was here because I used to say that I was better for it I used to say that you are who you love   but from here, I feel the cost yeah, from here, I feel the loss   they like to tell you that you’re so resilient they like to tell you that you helped the rest they like to tell you there was no prevention they like to empathize with who you left   but from here, I feel betrayed yeah, from here, I feel the weight   the distortion lies in what I feel I need to say the distortion lies in feeling that I need to be okay the distortion lies in what I feel I need to say the distortion lies in feeling that I need to be okay   and from here, I feel relief yeah, from here, I feel the grief   I used to say that I was glad it happened I used to say that I was here because I used to say that I was better for it now I forgive myself for who I was I forgive myself for who I was  I forgive myself for who I was

A RETRACTION

the ice never melted there it froze our words mid-air the pictures of the time deny what’s yours and theirs   hey, open my head open my heart and I’ll show you the best, best of me hey, open my chest open my arms and I’ll show you the rest, the rest if I told you I love you, I don’t if I told you I’d show you, I won’t if I told you I’d know you, I didn’t even know myself   sorrow isn’t the word it’s something more like rage coated with a blue it turned the whole thing grey   hey, open my head open my heart and I’ll show you the best, best of me hey, open my chest open my arms and then just leave the rest, the rest if I told you I love you, I don’t if I told you I’d show you, I won’t if I told you I’d know you, I didn’t even know myself   oh, there’s a tendency (underneath, underneath) oh, and it’s been set free (look and see, look and see) oh, it’s running loose oh, it’s a bitter truth oh, baby, how about you?   hey, open my head open my heart and I’ll show you the best, best of me hey, open my chest open my arms and then just leave the rest, the rest if I told you I love you, I don’t if I told you I’d show you, I won’t if I told you I’d know you, I didn’t even know myself   (just release the rest of me, yeah just release the rest of me, yeah)

MOVE

I don’t have the keys anymore I don’t have to open the door I know all the halls and floors but I don’t have the keys anymore   I don’t walk the road from the train I won’t walk there ever again I know all the guts and veins but I don’t walk the road from the train   I remember one time he was telling me I sold myself to be liked making me ashamed that I looked nice always a problem with that, such a bad night I remember one time she was telling me my body was too slight making me ashamed that I looked nice always a problem with that, it seemed like   I don’t take the exit to there I keep flying right through the air if it still stands, I don’t care I don’t take the exit to there   you don’t have to stay around you don’t have to make it work you don’t have to see it through you can move   I don’t wonder how it all goes I don’t watch the grass as it grows I know where the water flows I don’t wonder how it all goes   I don’t take the exit to there I keep flying right through the air if it still stands, I don’t care but I don’t take the exit to there   I remember one time I was yelling at myself to be alright feeling so ashamed that I’m uptight always a problem with that in this life I remember one time I was struggling to hold myself upright feeling so alone in that old life always a problem with that, it seemed like   I remember one time— (always a problem with that in this life) I remember one time— (always a problem with that, it seemed like)   I don’t have the keys anymore I don’t have to walk through the door I know all the walls and floors but I don’t have the keys anymore I don’t have the keys anymore   you don’t have to stay around you don’t have to make it work you don’t have to see it through you can move you don’t have to hold it down you don’t have to hold it up you don’t have to see it through you can move   you don’t have to stay around you don’t have to make it work you don’t have to see it through you can move

DISSONANCE

I wanted to show you   Moving to a place where I had no anchors, allies, or shared language.   I wanted to show you   The leaves of late Fall in Arlington, where I would enter a small house and listen to other kids tell the truth. They taught me to do the same. New language.   I wanted to show you   Sleeping on Arthur’s living room floor, listening to Badmotofinger on repeat, bus rides to Harvard Square. Trying not to take up space, but being glad there was space for me somewhere.   I wanted to show you   Singing “Polaroids” at 3 AM in JFK park with Ethel; our parents thought we were asleep in our beds. We had never been so awake, so alive.   I wanted to show you   Riding bikes from Belmont to Cambridge; we felt like we owned the world in the middle of the night. We did.   I wanted to show you   Me and Bo and Mel in the rehearsal space with no air circulating; so hot that the guitars and drum stool stuck to our bodies. We played anyway. We didn’t know to ask for a window.   I wanted to show you   Marc’s eyes as we laughed about the news, our co-workers, bands we knew. As we sat on a parking lot curb and ate avocados from their skins. No shade from the sun, no barriers between us.   I wanted to show you   The walk from Boston to Cambridge. The bridge on Mass Ave. The schools along the way. The danger and safety that coexisted at all times. The wind off the water. The sting of the cold air on my face.   I wanted to show you   The women on stage, unapologetic and loud; a gift I still borrow from, an image that feels like I dreamed it now. But they were real.   I wanted to show you   My own early attempts at expression. Two chords and a melody; too many words to fit into the phrase.   I wanted to show you   The dresses I made us because she wanted us to look the same, play the same, be the same. But we were not the same. And no amount of fabric would make it so.   I wanted to show you   How she told me I was too thin and not thin enough, how to wear my hair, and how to be like her.   I wanted to show you   A pale pink wedding gown that I spent months making. Silk dupioni with glass beads in the same color that spelled out my first name. I made jokes about it being bold, but I might have been afraid of losing myself. I should have been.   I wanted to show you   The group of them and how they dressed alike, acted alike, thought alike. I never fit but I bought the clothing. I never fit but I shaved myself down and pretended that I did. I hid the story until I forgot it myself.   I wanted to show you   The basement of an event hall where he backed me against a wall and told me all the reasons he would never want to be with a person like me. His spit hitting my face, his insults hitting my guts.   I wanted to show you   What it was like to tell our mutual friends and have no one care. They said I misunderstood. But I understood just fine.   I wanted to show you   The studio where I learned to make the sounds I heard in my head, late at night, deep in Cambridge. Some rooms are something more than the walls they’re made of.   I wanted to show you   The apartment where I lived with seven different people over as many years, two and a half blocks from Ashmont station. Its symmetry, its sanctuary.   I wanted to show you   How in that same apartment, he stood in the front hallway and told me how sad it was that I had to sell myself to be liked by people he didn’t know, people he was jealous of, people who were kinder to me.   I wanted to show you   Hearing my name around town, hearing how bad I was, how they had spun my honesty into negativity. That would happen many more times in my life.   I wanted to show you   How I speak that language now and I always will, even if I never put it to use again.   I wanted to show you   How two things can be true at the same time. How doing your best and living your worst can coexist in the same second, same breath.   I wanted to show you   The chord with the extra note, the one that rubs, the one that’s wrong to some. It’s my favorite sound. That’s the one I’ve always wanted to play, the one I’ve always wanted to be. That’s the one that tells the truth. The truth has a rub.   Can you see it? Can you hear it? Can you feel it?    Can you see it? Can you hear it? Can you feel it?    Can you see it? Can you hear it? Can you feel it?