Friendship Commanders: B I L L

Your Fear Is Showing

so the hand comes up from loosened dirt

tries to pull me down, I wake up hurt

I can’t handle any more requests

to be friendly and wish you the best

it was awful and I’m glad you’re dead

it’s over

get back to where you lay to rest

you’re the shark in every dark water

you’re the clown, the beast, the nightwalker

I can’t manage one more episode

where I’m sucked into the TV’s glow

it was hellish, you’re the worst of ghosts

it’s over

get back to all your resting bones

it’s only as bad as I believe it is

walking in flames

I compel you far away from me

I can’t coexist with spirits past

my heart knows what lives behind your mask

you are everything I feared, at last

it’s over

give me peace, it’s all I ask

I can’t coexist with spirits past

my heart knows what lives behind your mask

you are everything I feared, at last

it’s over

give me peace, it’s all I ask

Horrify

I’ll show you orphans sleeping on pavement

I’ll show you hopeless human arrangements

I’ll show you lands with no leaders but laws against reform

still, I’m a monster, or so you have stated

are you horrified?

tell me again

are you horrified?

tell me all about the different lie you’re living with this time

one epidemic gave birth unto another

the child who struggled to thrive became a mother

then all the factors collide to rob the childhood from the child

still, you insist that I’m the enemy, the other

give me a rag to wash the makeup off my face

take off my costume, let me stand here in my place

I’m just a person in need of basic decency and grace

still, you reject me

you say I’m not the same

are you horrified?

tell me again

are you horrified?

tell me all about the different life you’re living in this time

and this: are you horrified?

if I were dying, you could love me

but I’m living, so you can’t

if I were dying, you could love me

but I’m living, so you can’t

if I were dying, you could love me

but I’m living, so you can’t

if I were dying, you could love me

but you can’t

are you horrified?

tell me again

are you horrified?

tell me all about the different ways you’re winning at this life

and this: are you horrified?

tell me again

are you horrified?

Women to the Front

it’s on my mind that I rarely get spoken to

communication is what I was made to do

but I want to be someone on your side

want to stand with you, eye to eye

I call for the heads now

women to the front, step up

I call for the hearts now

women to the front, step up

why’s it so easy to separate from our kind?

the strength in numbers would benefit all our lives

and you want to be someone who is heard

I want you to get what you deserve

I call for the heads now

women to the front, step up

I call for the hearts now

women to the front, step up

stand with me, beside me

I’m waiting, I’m waiting

stand with me, beside me

I’m waiting, I’m waiting

I call for the heads now

women to the front, step up

I call for the hearts now

women to the front, step up

Saw and Heard

I’ve had cause to look back on the ins and outs of us

they tell me not to stare, they tell me not stare

I’ve held all the guilt for who we were right in my gut

maybe that’s not fair, maybe that’s not fair

tapes can still rewind

I keep them in my mind

saw and heard you say you’re not the same as everyone

saw and heard the things you did while we were “having fun”

it’s a brand new day

I think I’ll be okay

your new presentation makes you look so very well

I want to wish it so, I want to wish it so

but I’m not yet at that place, I’m sorting through the hell

so I can let it go, so I can let it go

these tapes preserved just fine

I played them all last night

saw and heard you say you’re not the same as everyone

saw and heard the things you did while we were “having fun”

it’s a brand new day

I think I’ll be okay

all those smiles

no accountability

years and miles

where’s the accountability?

HEY

saw and heard you say you’re not the same as everyone

saw and heard the things you did while we were “having fun”

it’s a brand new day

I think I’ll be okay

I’m sending this your way

Outlive You

now you’re walking down the street

your best friend lives around the corner from your place

and I’m always so far away

sometimes I think I’m spared your grizzly day-to-day

but I hear it in your voice

I see it in your face

I don’t wanna know

but I wanna know

yeah, I forgive you

I don’t wanna outlive you

it’s just for today

just for today

now you take your medicine

the one that half this fucking nation is prescribed

and I’m supposed to feel alright

about the fact that you’re not just about to die

I think of you back then

I can make myself insane when I wonder how and I wonder when

I don’t wanna know

but I wanna know

yeah, I forgive you

I don’t wanna outlive you

man, please be okay

please be okay

time used to be on our side

now I think it only helps us lie

I don’t wanna know

hey, I don’t wanna know

but I wanna know

yeah, I forgive you

I don’t wanna outlive you

please be okay!

and I don’t wanna know

but I wanna know

yeah, I forgive you

I don’t wanna outlive you

it’s just for today

just for today

In the Afterthoughts

if there’s any way out of this . . .

I don’t know how these things work

I’m just tired

I see fire; I’m already burned

it comes in waves

I see you and I hope for a better past

waves

I see me, still the hopeful iconoclast

icy cold in the afterthoughts

if you’d ever been dropped like this

you’d be suffering all your days

no, I’m fine

I see water; I’ll be okay

it comes in waves

I see you and I hate who I used to be

waves

I still live in this body; yeah, I’m still me

icy cold in the afterthoughts

it comes in waves

I see you and lose sight of who I’ve become

waves

I see me and remember where guts come from

icy cold in the afterthoughts

Charade

are you receiving?

they’re calling out your name

got them believing?

go sell your pious claim

tell me all about the right way

(anyway)

tell me all about deceiving, deceiving

if I stand here grounded

I don’t exist to you

you look confounded

go sell your stolen truth

tell me all about the smiling

(smile away)

tell me all about deceiving, deceiving

did I ever know you?

I don’t think that I did

your face looks familiar, but nothing else here fits

maybe we connected

maybe you’re all show

your face looks familiar, like someone I used to know

return to sender

message received, I guess

I’ll see you ‘round some

I’ll pass on being blessed

tell me all about my purpose

(fade away)

tell me all about deceiving, deceiving

did I ever know you?

I don’t think that I did

your face looks familiar, but nothing else here fits

maybe we connected

maybe you’re all show

your face looks familiar, like someone I used to know

did I ever know you?

I don’t think that I did

Eulogy Envy

I hate submitting to befitting bouts of grief

I hate admitting that our friendship met defeat

I saw a eulogy for someone and it said:

“Everyone liked him, he was everybody’s friend”

so, I’m cleaning it up

I’m cleaning it up

but even if I started now

the story’d be: I’m flawed, and how

yeah, even if I got it right . . .

when I see palm trees lined against a purple sky

I feel as though I might be more than getting by

something about the coastal air helps me forget

I’m still the living who’s in envy of the dead

so, I’m tying it up

I’m cleaning it up

but even if I started now

the story’d be: it all fell down

yeah, even if I got it right . . .

saw we know all the same folks again

saw the world didn’t explode or end

saw the textbook tale you’re living in

saw the traces of my former skin

yeah, even if I started now

the story’d be: I’m still the clown

yeah, even if I got it right

you’d still remember the last time

I’ll always be the lost

that’s the price my freedom cost

What You Ravage

shots fired, but who will you cling to?

I’m tired, but still my wall’s painted blue

you get what you get in this lifetime

we live without reservation

we give, but still expectation wins

you get what you get, don’t you waste my time

what you ravage, you rake in

there’s gotta be something worth living for

the only way out of this mess is to die, they say

but I’m not giving up yet

though, I will let you walk away tonight

we tried, and how can they blame us?

but we fight and nothing remains of love

you get what you get when you risk it all

what you ravage, you rake in

there’s gotta be something worth living for

it’s goodnight to the old hometown

it’s goodnight to the kids and clowns

it’s goodnight to the way it was

it’s goodnight and goodbye to us

what you ravage, you rake in

there’s gotta be something worth living for

The Choice

I almost let my judgment of your ways

inform how I respond, how I behave

who am I to accept the role of enemy?

I choose to be kind; I can afford to offer empathy

I know I say some things you hate to hear

I know I give new voices to your fears

but can you be a friend?

can you be a friend?

if you feel minimized, then show your strength

if you feel under-heard, then voice your say

so can I be a person with a point of view

who I am is not about you being less of you

I know I wear my feelings on my sleeve

I know I’m bold about what I believe

but can you be a friend?

can you be a friend?

in certain governments, the house can divide

based on the issues; not ego, not pride

in certain faiths, there are parallel lines

outlining dogma; not gossip, not sides

in all our families, we learned to survive

we did our best with what we knew at the time

this isn’t family, nor law, nor divine

this is a friendship; can you be mine?

I know I say some things you hate to hear

I know I give new voices to your fears

but can you be a friend?

can you be a friend?

can you be my friend?

can you be a friend?

Resolution of the Wants

I have not descended here, I have not arrived

because I once was not as clear, because I was a child

and I wanted you to know me, wanted you to show me

but you won’t; you don’t

sometimes the truth can’t be unknown

I know from history that I’ll get what I need

not what I wanted when this all started

I know it’s up to me to take what I believe

and mend the parted, broken-hearted

you see, it wasn’t about you

it was about the bigger picture, the whole view

fearful bigots shoot their guns at all who care to love

privileged abusers wear their masks and flash their shiny gums

and I wanted you to show up, wanted you to grow up

but you won't; you don't

and here’s the truth’s own bloody show

I know from history that I’ll get what I need

not what I wanted when this all started

I know it’s up to me to take what I believe

and mend the parted, broken-hearted

you see, it wasn’t about you

it was about the bigger picture, the whole—

maybe it’s a right of age

maybe it’s a growing stage

maybe it’s a brand-new page

maybe it’s as yet unwritten, stolen truthage

I know from history that I’ll get what I need

not what I wanted when this all started

I know it’s up to me to take what I believe

and mend the parted, broken-hearted

you see, it wasn’t about you

it was about the bigger picture, the whole view

and here’s the truth I’ve come to know

this is the day I let you go

Of the We

spare me the compliment

for somebody else, you malcontent

I don’t care what you meant

you’re already behind me, message sent

if you’re for one of us, you’re for none of us

this is different; can’t you see?

if you call for us, call for all of us

this is the nature of the we

indivisible, not for you to cleave

folks like you and your narratives

bask in your limitations, the gift that gives

I don’t care what your pedigree is

you’re already outside now, it is what it is

if you’re for one of us, you’re for none of us

this is different; can’t you see?

if you call for us, call for all of us

this is the nature of the we

indivisible, not for you to cleave

all the insightful flim and flam

is just you trying to maintain the upper hand

but there is no up here, there is no down

just peers and just equals, sorry you can’t hang out

if you’re for one of us, you’re for none of us

this is different; can’t you see?

if you call for us, call for all of us

this is the nature of the we

indivisible, not for you to cleave

be for all of us

Desperately Seeking

saints need not apply

we are all flawed

please don’t deny

shame has no place here

some have atoned

we all live with fear

as the horizon of heroes fills up with holes

I am reminded to only speak of what I know

if you have something to offer, something to show

I’m listening, I’m looking, I hear you

we come and we go

care about yourself

don’t worry about me

care about someone else

stand for what you believe

fuck what they say

it’s all that we leave

as the sun rises on sadnesses all of us face

I am encouraged by others; we live, we embrace

if you have something to tell me, I want to know

I’m listening, I’m looking, I see you

we come and we go

serve someone other than you

Pages

B I L L